Afterlife – The Two Energies

Warning: The content you are about to read might be disturbing, as it is 100% real and it happened.

The table of contents is created for anyone who does not want or has time to read it fully, yet I recommend for a clearer understanding read it from start to end.

The Start of the Journey

Hello dear reader,

My name is Mr. B. I am 29 years old at the moment, and I currently live in Romania. Today, I’m happy to share with you what I consider to be not more or less than very important. Stay with me here and read while I tell you a story with a theory, or discovery, or anyway, something very unusual and out of place in our life, universe, and for certain in death. It will be a bit disturbing for some, but I hope that in the end, it might be interesting for all. For this, you need to know a bit of my story, how briefly exposed it can be, because time is important, and I don’t want someone to find it boring. This will be a bit of a long read. When I first wrote this story, I was 27 years old, but with the passing of time, I wanted to rewrite some parts and also update it. As you will read my experiences, pay attention to the details. The important ones at least. If you don’t do this, there are big chances at the end to scratch your head without understanding.

To start from the beginning, so you can get an idea of me and get to know me. I was born into a normal family that was living very modestly, having cousins, godparents, grandparents, and everything as it should be. My earliest memories are from trips with my grandparents from both sides of my parents, which were fun, and I got to know my country and see the beauty in it from a very young age. At a very young age, I also developed asthma, and until 7 and a half, I was protected from everything that could trigger the loss of breath. A few times, I almost died. I could remember trying to breathe in the back of the car while my father was driving to the hospital like an ambulance. I could not play with anyone at the kindergarten because I would sweat, for example, and that could have triggered my asthma. My mother, the person I care for, and I have a pretty good relationship in the present, always supported me and helped me with a lot of things. Always working very much, and watching her, I learned to take care of a house. My father was a great and funny guy who had many friends, and we were constantly fighting for the computer to play strategy games on it. At some point, we were having a truce, and we played together. Then, when I was 7 years and a half, he passed away in a car accident, not by his fault, as he was sleeping in the passenger’s seat. It was because his friend, who was driving, also fell asleep. My father died instantly in the crash, and his friend, who was not wearing a seatbelt, went through the window and died on the way to the hospital. They crashed at high speed. After a few days, my family decided to announce me. My mother came to my godparent’s house dressed all in black. She went with me to a separate room and told me that my father was with the angels now. At that age, I only understood that I would never see him again. I went to his funeral at the church, and that is when I witnessed for the first time what death is.

I remember arriving, and my mother asked me if I wanted to see him for the last time. And I said yes. The church was full of people, and it was a very sad atmosphere. My grandmother from my father’s side was fainting constantly, and I think that my presence there next to my father’s coffin did not help anyone. Yet I remember I did not cry, I was very curious as I touched my father, who was all white, and asked why he was cold. I surrounded the coffin, and I remember he had a black mark on his chin from the impact of the crash. I did not assist at the moment he was buried. After his death, my family became divided. I lost contact with my godparents and cousins, and we don’t even speak in the present. I was left with my mother and grandparents, who were constantly fighting because of the anger and pain of my father’s death. After the incident with my father, my asthma, for some reason, don’t know for sure what reason, deactivated, and until the present moment, I have been able to live a normal life. But now the first strange thing happened.

The First Experience – The Meeting Between Realities

While sleeping at my grandparents’ apartment on my father’s side, I started having some weird dreams. They would always end with me jumping from the bed really high, and at one point, from the bounce, my grandmother fell from the bed. These things happened a lot of times. I remember just one dream. In that dream, I woke from the bed, I was in the same room, and everything was just like in the real world. With one exception, in the dream, there was light coming from the other side of the hallway where there was my grandfather’s room. I remember I told myself that maybe he was awake. I repeat, everything was exactly the same in my dream as in reality. I got out of bed and went to the door’s threshold at the beginning of the hallway. In front of me, I could see the light coming from my grandfather’s room, and before the room, there were two curtains next to the bath. All of a sudden, while looking, a black silhouette with no features came from the curtains and emitted a sound that was sharp, but I can’t remember it clearly. I woke up again, jumping from my bed. This was around 8-9 years old.

My mother and I remained in our rented apartment in Romania while I was visiting my grandparents, who got me my first computer, and I could play strategy and fantasy games all day and night. Not a healthy experience, but I could at least escape reality a bit. Also, before the computer, when I was a small kid, at my grandparents’ place, I had a lot of dinosaur figurines, and I would always look at the books after them and read about them. I was really attracted to them, and at some point, I did know a lot about them. I think even my first dream as a child would have been to discover a dinosaur, just like an archaeologist. After this, the dream that I had was to sing, dance, and play in movies. The fact that I wanted to do acting was because, as a kid, I was fascinated by the Lord of the Rings movies by Peter Jackson. For me, shyness and other problems gave me a hard time in any dreams I had, so this was just another short fantasy of mine. While my grandmother was a bit crazy and always starting fights and insulting me, my grandfather, even if he had a drinking habit, mostly after my father’s death, cared for me deeply, and I loved him with all my heart. He never touched me, and he would play and talk with me. He felt mercy for me. He was a man with high DIY skills, but because of this mercy, he never taught me anything.

I surrounded myself in their apartment with small animals. I had parrots, guinea pigs, and even a white bunny that I named Lightning, and also turtles at some point. I cared for each of them. Eventually, I lost them, and I would go to my father’s grave to bury them there with my grandfather. One time, when one of my guinea pigs died, we put her into a newspaper and a bag and went to do the same thing. Imagine somebody probably in the metro cut the bag where the newspaper was and stole it…with my dead guinea pig inside. What the hell, dude? I did wish back then, when I was a kid, and I do even now, to see the look on the face of that person when he opened the newspaper. When I was a kid, at my grandparents from my mother’s side, I would watch Japanese anime because I would find the story really interesting, and eat sandwiches. My mother and her parents did not have a great relationship, as they were arguing all the time. But they still took care of me and loved me, even helped me in the present when I moved alone.

My mother was struggling with the rent, and life was hard as a widow with a child, as she had no support, not even from my grandparents. She found another man after some time, and he moved in with us. At first, the man was nice and played with me, teaching me self-defense techniques, as at school we were all fighting from time to time, like fools. But that did not last long, and from around 8 years to 12 years old, I was beaten by him, as he cheated on my mother also, and the relationship lasted 4 years. My head was full of concussions, and lumps, and I had bruises on my body. When he was asking me where it hurt, and I would show him, he would hit me twice in the same spot. He made me do push-ups and physical exercises, and if I couldn’t make them or do them correctly, he would hit me, humiliate me, or make me do them from the start again.

The man had white eyebrows from trauma because he also received violent treatment from his father, who was in the army. He also worked on torturing me mentally, breaking the toys I cared for, and forcing me to sleep without my safety light in my room, calling me names for years. He would have me write a lot of times the same sentence, maybe hundreds if I remember correctly, and sometimes that sentence would be something insulting towards me if I did something that was “unacceptable”. One time, a colleague of mine from school stole from a girl who left the equivalent of 25 cents or something like that on her school bench. After this, he came to me and told me to go to the shop with him. He brought himself and me something sweet. I ate it without knowing what it was about. After a bit of time, they found out what happened, and I was put next to him for nothing to face the consequences. I got multiple beatings from the man, and I was humiliated at school, even though I did nothing, and I tried to defend my point. Nobody believed me.

You can call it a “modern Spartan education”. Even if it was rough and I hated him for a very long time, I must admit it strengthened my resolve in the end, because I wanted this ending. But don’t take this as a good example, it’s the unevolved way to do things. The same way and behavior as the ones before us, with more power, triggered collective trauma, not caring for the lives of others, and considering what impact their actions would have.

Combined with the fights with my grandparents and other events, like a fight between my grandfather from my father’s side and the man who was in a relationship with my mother in front of my school, you can guess it did not have a positive impact on me. I developed OCD, anxiety, and a very big lack of trust in myself. My grandparents from my late father’s side were trying to win me over by law, and we had our rented apartment robbed and ravaged as I returned one time from school, and I was the first to see it. I instantly cried, and the police came over. Only my father’s belongings were missing. My results at school were pretty bad because of this, so at the end of the 5th grade, I moved to another school that was in my hood at 10 minutes walking by foot. The man, after he had cheated on my mother, had gone. I can still remember that I was trying to write letters to my mom at 10 years old, where I explained I could not endure the treatment anymore. After this, I was planning to run away from home, but I had nowhere to go. Maybe the real pain was not what I endured, as it made me stronger, but the fact that a stranger who was not my father did this to me. My mother never knew the full extent of what was happening because I was afraid to tell her, as she was coming home late from work all the time.

I continued making friends and trying to be good at school, doing private lessons, but the past events had already taken a toll on me. I had problems with logic and thinking. I can say that I did not perform well because, in some way, they would bore me, or just did not catch up with me. They would be languages I could not understand, so I would mostly have my own rules. All I had from childhood as information, after reading a lot, was general knowledge from my encyclopedias that I loved. Seeing pictures of wonders or the universe and reading about history and mysteries, I also had an affinity for the paranormal, as it intrigued me.

By the time I was 13 years old, my mother found another guy, and we moved to his relative’s villa in the countryside of the city I currently live in. In the 8th grade, I had to wake up very early in the morning as I started school, and a 10-minute walk turned into a 2 or 3-hour one-way trip. It was exhausting because that year, I had the final exams, and I had to choose a high school that could accept me based on the results. The guy that my mother found never touched me. He was a very smart man with a lot of knowledge, but he was also jobless, and he drank a lot. He was lucky because his sister was married at that time to a wealthy man from Lebanon. He chose to ignore me, insulting me sometimes. Because he caught me while having my nightly OCD “ritual” where I had to close the lights in my room for a certain number of times perfectly so I could sleep, he called me retarded and told my mother I was retarded. Because of the shame and guilt, I stopped doing all those “rituals”. My mother was working from morning till night, and I stood mostly alone. We were practically treated as slaves. One time, I was cleaning the upper floor with this guy’s sister, and because she broke her nail, she stopped, and I had to clean all alone because she could not. By that time, I was 14 years old.

I got into a high school after the final exam that was closer than my school at that moment. I did the 9th grade there and made some friends and tried not to fail the math, physics, and chemistry classes, oh, and also the logic class. And somehow I did it. As a random note, because we are talking about death and you will understand as you continue why I mention it, at 15 years I saw death for the second time. As I was riding the tram, a person slipped or jumped in front of it, and it stopped under and sadly died. I did see the body as I got close to it because I was curious again, even if the image would make your belly turn upside down, but the police came to the scene and told me to leave. At the end of the 9th grade, I moved from the countryside as that man for two and a half years, of being in a relationship with my mom, never having a job, and being mostly drunk. Before leaving, when I was there with my mom, he locked me away and tried to strangle her with his bare hands. He was a very jealous man, and this happened because she wanted to leave. Of course that he regretted it and waited for me at the high school to give me letters to bring to my mother. My mom also wanted to recover all the books I had left there, but they did not want to give them back to me. Because I had lost my childhood books, I stopped reading and was angry about it for many years.

My 16th birthday was celebrated in a new home with new friends whom I met after I moved in with my mother. After my mother and I left, we found my current stepfather. He stood with me and made me feel like a family from day 1 when we met until the present moment, and took me as his son. I spent more years with him than with my real father. He is a man who worked hard for everything, and he inspires me. Just like my mother. He introduced me to the gym, where I spent a long time with my friends.

I did not mention, but I did sports almost all my life, starting with tennis, polo, swimming, and football. Because I liked the water and swimming when I was a kid, I got burned by the sun pretty badly because of no sun protection cream, and I have burns on my shoulders because of this. From 16 until the present moment, I have had some relationships with girls from which I learned a lot, and I cared for them at some point. Yeah, some people, including me, can be quite difficult sometimes, so it never really worked out, but I did enjoy the moments even if they had to end at some point. At 16 years old, because I was and I am an idiot, I started smoking, but at some point, I did stop all of a sudden. This is because when I started to catch feelings for a girl, I did not feel the need to smoke anymore. Still, 16 to 21 were my best years, and because of them, I could maintain my balance and be somehow more social, but I was still fighting anxiety and lack of trust, yet I never spoke about them.

I continued to help my parents at my stepfather’s small printing shop. The good parts are the memories I got with my friends in that period, riding the bike all night through parks and the city, joking around, and playing video games all night together in the same room. I got a nickname in the hood by them, “Freak”, which did not sound nice at first, but I got used to it, because to be honest, I was kind of freaky. The truth is, I got that ugly nickname because when I would be outside with them, they would talk only about bets, escorts, and slot games. I was a bit different, and I would go walking and thinking about more interesting stuff for me. In high school, I was “Pimple” or “Bump” because I was a teenager and I had pimples on my face. Those are good times and good memories that kept me in balance. I finished high school with nice grades, for which I studied, did private lessons, and worked for a “not great, not terrible” result. Before the final exam for which I had studied for one year, three days before it, I met with two friends from the hood and the same high school. For 3 days in which I slept like 2-3 hours each night because of the pressure, we studied and overcharged our brains, switching notebooks between ourselves to try and recap how much we could. I got the final exams from high school with good grades, and I was in the top 10. At 18 years, I discovered someone who was and will remain very special to me.

I went into college, and in the first year, I wanted to try something on my own initiative. I went with the Work and Travel program in America to work in Wisconsin Dells. I was really hyped, and it was my first trip alone somewhere where I had to stay for 3 months. I went to the airport, and the first stop was in Turkey. Because of the delay, I had to stay 5-6 hours there, a moment when I saw a bit of the culture just by looking at people, and was intrigued. When I reached Chicago after a 12-hour flight, upon arriving, I was greeted while waiting all night for the bus to Wisconsin Dells by an African-American woman who was homeless and probably had mental health issues. She was expressing anger and talking to herself. I did wish to speak with her and maybe help her, but I felt it was a wise choice not to interfere. I believed I couldn’t do much to mend her. I did not feel very good after seeing this image, as I reflected a bit, and this was my first experience in America upon setting foot in the airport. This was happening the year 2015 by the beginning of summer.

I took the wrong bus because I was lost and I arrived in Madison by mistake, which is the capital of Wisconsin state, and not Wisconsin Dells. I met two students from Turkey, and together we searched for a taxi that brought us to Wisconsin Dells. It was a beautiful place surrounded by nature and fresh air. It was a strange feeling, I felt proud that I arrived there by myself. I worked really hard as a housekeeper, lifeguard, dishwasher, and I also made some pizza. I had two jobs and used the bike as a method to travel faster. For 3 months, I worked 12-16 hours a day, 6 days per week, barely having time to sleep because I wanted to have fun too. I met a lot of people and became friends with students from Jamaica, Russia, Peru, Turkey, Ukraine, and America, you name them, there were students from all over the world. And my first roommate was from Moldova. I would talk with everyone I could find who could teach me more about their mentality. My 20th birthday was celebrated there, and the friends I made there even got me a birthday cake.

To this day, I hold close to those memories as they taught me to respect and care for any human being, no matter how they look and from where they are. At the present moment, my mentality is that we are all humans, no matter from where we are, we live on the same planet. I returned back in Romania in September 2015 as a different person. Pretty battered and kind of skinny, but I felt proud. I have a wish at some point to return to Wisconsin Dells and ride the bike again, or to walk through Chicago, which I visited, and see all the skyscrapers again. A funny fact that I think every Romanian might laugh at is that I returned from America with a Moldavian accent. As a random event, while I worked as a housekeeper, when I entered the room of the hotel to take the trash and add what was missing, like soap and other things, I was surprised to find that in the room a party had been going on. It was something that I did not see in my life ever before, a “p***s party”. I swear on everything, there was p***s all around me. The straws had the form of a p***s, and the cake had the same form. They even had an inflatable p***s that was bigger than my actual human size. And now, to your surprise, I even took a picture with it. Just for the sake of the experience. I knew this was a once-in-a-lifetime experience.

Until April-May 2016, nothing much happened, but if you did read until now, it is time I present to you how things took a turn, and how the foundation for what I consider to be my obsession came into being. In what I’m about to tell you next, I was not under the influence of any drugs in any of the following cases presented here. If you did not pay attention to details until now, I believe it might be time to do so.

The Second Experience – Staring into the “Eyes” of Death

In April-May 2016, when I had no care in the world and I was happy, one morning around 11 AM, I woke up and started doing my daily routine just like on any other day. I made myself some coffee and went on to smoke a cigarette in my courtyard outside the house. All of a sudden, when I had almost finished my cigarette, a nauseous feeling came over me. I remember blaming the heat or the cigarette because it was the first of that morning. I went into the house, where there was less heat, trying to get as much oxygen as I could so that feeling would disappear. It did not. While climbing the stairs to my floor, I went to sit on the chair in front of my computer and play something, as I was certain the nauseous feeling would go away. Again, it did not. After a very short time, I couldn’t even sit in my chair anymore, and I felt the urge to lie down on my back on the couch behind the chair. While trying to breathe and have a normal view in front of me, I suddenly blinked and this is what I saw.

As I blinked, the colors from my eyesight disappeared all of a sudden, I could see only black and white, I could not hear anything, I could not feel anything, I didn’t even know if I was breathing. The black silhouette climbed the stairs to my floor, sitting almost in front of me at the end of the stairs. I don’t know if it was looking at me because it did not have eyes, it did not have a face, it only had a human form. As you can see from climbing the stairs while moving, a transparent image of the legs from where the calf or knee remains behind the black silhouette vanishes afterward. I did not know for 5 years, from 2016 until 2021, what that detail was until I asked a person with great knowledge in physics. Without even showing him a photo and just explaining what I had seen, he told me what I had seen was dephased.

While climbing the stairs, its head was already towards me because I could see the width of it, meaning it was not looking at the stairs and in front of it, but it was looking right at me from the beginning. I don’t know how much time I was in that state, looking at the black human form, as I did not feel the passing of time. In all that nauseous feeling before I entered the state, the last thing that was reaching my mind was to look at what time it was. But if I knew what was going to happen, which I did not, I would have certainly looked. I remained in the same position, not feeling any urge even to move, not being “fully there”. Then, all of a sudden, I saw the black form running down the stairs, with its hands in a certain way to maintain balance as the stairs themselves were very steep. It did not go through the wall, it did not vanish in thin air, it did not go through the roof or beneath the floor. It ran downstairs, keeping its balance so it would not fall, being almost under the same rules of gravity while keeping the same “dephased” movement effect. After running down the stairs and losing it from my field of view, I blinked again, and everything returned to normal. I could see the colors again, not black and white anymore. I could hear, I could breathe, and hear myself breathing, and I could see the rays of the sun again. At the same moment, my parents came home and opened the door on the lower floor, and I could hear them. I felt tired. From what I can remember, I think I fell asleep afterward for an hour or so.

At first glance, I thought it was a dream, or maybe my brain was malfunctioning. The thing is, it stuck with me in my memory, every detail, everything, from 2016 until now. I believed from the start it was just a dream or it was my imagination, and I did not really tie it with my childhood experience because, well… I’m an idiot, so I ignored it completely.

Months passed until 9 October 2016. A day before I went to a party, I felt good, and returned in the morning of that day, where I slept for 1 hour or 2 hours. Then I received a call from my grandmother from my father’s side. My grandfather was not feeling well, and she told me to come. I jumped out of bed and went with my parents. I arrived, and the first ambulance was already leaving. I went to the 4th floor of the block, into the apartment, and found my grandfather lying, looking weak, as I had never seen him before. I grabbed his hand to lift him up, and he looked at me in a way I will never forget. It was like he was telling me something, that the inevitable was coming. We made some sandwiches for him and some tea; he ate them, and then we stood near his bed where I held his hand. Then I saw something with the corner of my eye. A vodka and some beer. I went to get them and told him again what I had been telling him from childhood, to stop drinking, and then went on to grab the bottles and bring them to the kitchen.

When I returned, he was already in a coma, lying on his side with his feet down next to my stepfather. I immediately put him on the bed and grabbed him by the hands. Everyone except me for the moment thought he had gone to sleep, only to tell them he was in a coma. I was telling him to wake up, but with no use. We called the ambulance again, and we went with him to the hospital. It was all of a sudden that I did not have time to prepare. The next day, on 10 October 2016, which was the first day of my final year of college, he passed away at the hospital. At 79 years old. The moment I received the news, I started crying for a long time, and I felt nothing less than agony. I was not prepared at all for this, and so, my mind collapsed.

I felt that maybe I could have done something to save him, and remorse started kicking in. He took care of me since I was a baby, showed me affection, and always made me happy. His death for me was just like a sword that split my soul in half, as a figure of speech, because the left half of my face was paralyzed for a time, as the stress was too high, and the shock went to my core. My teeth are kind of sharp, so before this, I even broke my right canine while eating lentil soup, leaving just the left one intact. You could say that the duality was at the smallest details. At that moment, all the scars from past trauma that I had became wounds again. All of them. Pain started pouring in at a very high volume. It was like losing my father the second time, and even at the funeral, I could see him breathing in his coffin.

Without even knowing, I plunged straight into psychosis. I started experiencing high fear, paranoia, and anger management problems. I could not control my thoughts anymore and nor my emotions. Yet I did not harm anyone because I was always a nice guy, but mostly I acted strangely and erratically. Even if I did not show, I felt only chaos. Because the cause of death of my grandfather was not mentioned to me, thoughts of him being murdered or poisoned started infiltrating my head. But at some point, the psychosis stopped as I would be left only with a bipolar affective disorder, and for three years straight until the summer of 2019, I suffered from a deep depression. I did search for help as the pain was hard to withstand, but it did not work, failing to get a good diagnosis, so I thought that time would heal, and that I am a man, and I will resist.

I could not be more wrong in my life.

While facing this, strange things started happening again. For the next events that happened, I switched from thinking it was a dream to believing that I was having some sort of hallucination, as seeing my grandfather breathe in the coffin determined me to think that. So let’s start.

The Third Experience – Signals from the Other Side

After my grandfather’s death, in October-November 2016, while sitting fully laid back while watching TV and thinking about the event, I felt an electrical surge starting from the tips of both feet’ fingertips (not the head). At that moment, I could not move, and I started shaking as the electrical surge went through my whole body and stopped at the top of my head. At that moment in the darkness, I could see in the hallway something forming. It was something misty, irregular, and transparent somehow. I don’t know how to recreate this example, as it is hard for me to understand what I think I saw that night in the darkness. The second time, at my own home in my bedroom, again at night, I was crying in my bed, lying back fully again, telling my grandfather I was sorry I was not with him more.

The truth is I did not spend so much time with them in the last years, as having friends and having fun was something so great for me. In my own foolishness and selfishness, I forgot about them. At that moment, I felt again the same electrical surge starting from both feet’ fingertips and up again to the top of my head, the same paralysis. At that moment, because it was just a bit of light coming from the other room and it was not fully dark, I could see in the corner of my room an irregular transparent shape. I could barely distinguish it, and when I did, it was because you could see in that corner of the room that the image did not look right. Really don’t know how to explain and reproduce; it was something invisible but did not blend in perfectly with the environment.

The Fourth Experience – “Go to sleep.”

This is not all as you could expect, as there is one more experience that happened in that time period. While sitting on the lower floor of my home on the couch, my parents were sleeping. It was around 2 AM, and I was reflecting, staring into nothingness, alone in my thoughts. Then, all of a sudden, I felt a sort of “electrical breeze” in my left ear. It was like when someone is talking to you right in your ear, but you could also feel an electrical current running straight there. I heard, after the breeze in my left ear, a woman’s voice. I never heard that voice in my life, but it was in a very calm tone, very warm. “Go to sleep”, she said in my own native language, Romanian (“Du-te la somn”).

In the next few seconds, I turned my eyes to the left side where the kitchen was, and I could see the shadow of the wood pillar changing its angle counterclockwise, just like the hour or second hand of a clock. The shadow of the pillar only changed its angle, not its shape, and at that moment, I could see something crossing the kitchen going straight to the window while the lightbulbs that were lighting both the room and the kitchen started to lose a bit of power to fully light for some split seconds. It was again a transparent shape that did not perfectly blend in. It is very important to say that at that moment I needed sleep because I was exhausted from the shock and pain, yet…because I’m an idiot, I did not listen to the voice and I did not go to sleep. After hearing the voice, I went to the fridge and started eating some pizza (yummy). So you can probably get an idea of me, that I am so stubborn and won’t listen, not even to the friendly advice of my own hallucination or a protective spirit, if I don’t want to. But it makes me happy to know I may have a friend on the other side if this is the case.

The FIFTH Experience – There is Light in Your Eyes

From the end of 2016 to the summer of 2019, I almost isolated myself trying to fight my illness while working a full-time job. In 2018, my grandmother died, alone in her apartment. I discovered she was taking Xanax, and she had a heart attack while eating. She isolated herself. I helped her doing shopping and bringing her food, and she was always insulting me, saying I wanted to poison her, even if I cared about her. In the end, I did not suffer as much as I did at my grandfather’s death. When I was a child, after my father’s death, before I went to sleep with her in the same bed, she always called my mother in horrible and disgraceful ways I cannot reproduce here. Telling me to repeat after her.

We also discovered my father’s belongings in the apartment, meaning my grandfather broke into the apartment when I was a child, and I was the first to discover it. From 2016 to 2019, I also did Mixed Martial Arts, and I loved it. It helped me gain some trust in myself and disciplined me. I had no problem feeling pain, as it was better than feeling the effects of my illness. The only issue was that I would be too much of a gentleman at sparring, and I could not hurt my sparring partners, as it made me feel bad. After some time, I realized that by doing that, I did not have a healthy approach because that person and I won’t learn much from it, and they might find it insulting. One time, I almost broke my ligament (ACL), but I still went to the training. It was not recommended to do this, and I was an idiot yet again, but I did not want the pain to get the best of me. I continued to walk, and I still went to work, even if I was slower, and it was kinda irritating me. I only threw some ointment here and there, and it was like new…almost. After one month, I went to make a scan and find out what happened. Another stupid thing I did was to be put by my colleagues in a guillotine, and because of the pressure on the jaw and because I did not want to give up and tap out, I got a jaw dislocation, which I have not fixed yet. I often visualized fights with my trainer, thinking it might help me and beat him by luck, but in reality, he with over 30 years of experience in fights versus well…me…you can think of my chances. The only visualization that could turn into reality was of me running from him. Yet I would advise anyone to make a sport like MMA because it can make you strong in all ways. Not to be confused about trying to act cocky because you can defend yourself or abuse someone weak. You should have, at that point, whenever you grow in strength in any form, the responsibility to defend the weak or to make them strong. If you don’t do that, maybe it is time for some self-reflection.

In 2019, after such a long fight with my bipolar affective disorder and depression episodes that took me 3 years, suicidal thoughts started infiltrating my head. For 3 years, every minute and hour, I felt only pain and hate. It consumed me as I tried to hide it. When you lose something, you can feel that emptiness inside you. This means that the hole can be filled with anything that is great and positive if you want to. Maybe I was the one who chose to fill it with hate and pain all these years. Nonetheless, it was gaining ground slowly but steadily, and for the first time, I started to grow tired. I was losing the battle. I told myself everything would pass, but weeks turned into months, and months turned into years. There was no stopping it, and without knowing, I started to fall into darkness again.

I have almost given up the fight, and I could not find any meaning anymore in the life I had. I only wanted an ending and peace. The pain was not stopping and was getting worse and worse, feeling how it ripped me from the inside, but each time I thought about ending it and how to do it, I would constantly think about my mother and what she would do if I were gone. This is the thought that made me hold on, the love I have for my mother. But I just wanted the pain to stop, and whatever method I tried, it never worked.

By the end of summer in August 2019, one day before my 24th birthday, because of an unknown trigger, from depression, I went into a full manic episode, and the psychosis returned. It came with a welcome, a sharp pain inside my skull that would move from one part to another. I presume a trigger to this might have been some random encounters I had with random people. They knew me and came to my workplace to ask me questions about my experiences, even if I had never met them or talked with them. This is when I lost contact with reality, and now every thought that passed through my head, even if it was good or bad, even if it was part of imagination or unreal, I believed it and found meaning and reasons for it. It was just like a Domino game. Every piece was put in place, and when something made a piece fall, everything connected. There was no more me, and I could not control my actions anymore. I have lost the battle without even wanting to, without being conscious of it or knowing it.

Again, I did not harm anyone because believe me when I say I’m not built to be evil. I did talk a lot of nonsense, and I believed a lot of nonsense that my brain was creating. But I remember the look on the faces of the people I came in contact with during that period. Even if they were close or just strangers, they had the same look, that of sadness, and sometimes fear. And I did not understand why, because insanity is very cunning. But for me, it is scary what would have happened if I were evil. In the end, because of my nature, maybe, or God knows what, not even insanity would make the best of me.

My parents did see something was wrong with me, even from the beginning, but because I was good at hiding and I did not express what I felt, they had an impression I was just in my “rebel years”. After 3 years, because I could not hide anymore, they kind of tricked me into going into a mental hospital in my city. And now, one more experience will unravel.

While being in a full manic episode and psychosis, a few days before going into the hospital, I was walking in my house thinking about nonsense. All of a sudden, above my eyes, above my field of view, I could see for what seemed like 20 seconds, some black marks, like claws, or fingertips, pulsating in my field of view, almost covering or “trying” to cover half of the view of my eyesight. I felt at that moment how my eyes were rolling up, and I would freeze and tremble at the same time before they disappeared. It happened 2 times that day and once the next day. But, only one time, after there were no more black shapes in my eyesight, and just one time, at the end of everything, before I went into the hospital, in the right corner of my eye, down, I started seeing a white shape that was half-spherical in my eyesight. It did not make my eyes roll over, I did not freeze or tremble, it was just there, staying in my field of view. I started blinking and rubbing it from my eye, but it just didn’t go away, and after a brief time, it vanished, never appearing again. The end of the shape produced an effect that can be called a “lens flare” effect in my eyes, as someone told me while describing my experience to him. It is also that I was in the house, there was no sunlight or any source of light except maybe some lightbulbs from the room that could not produce that type of light, and the house is really dark during the time of the day. I will be honest with you, I did not know the lens flare effect of what I saw until a few days before publishing, and trying to make these images while explaining to someone who helped me edit them.

On the Edge of Insanity

After losing my job again, because for 24 years I never kept a job for more than six months, being unproductive because of the illness, and having episodes of insomnia, I arrived at the mental hospital, where I was admitted. I was surrounded by 3 guys and they told me that I would either stay with my mother in Reserve 1, or I would stay on the top floor where the closed ones are. I told them, “And what if I wanna go home? How about that?”. I grabbed myself by the stair railing with both hands, and because I still had some MMA training in me and some strength, all 3 guys could not move me from my place. At one point, they grabbed me by my manly jewels, and at that moment I lifted my hands up and told them “I surrender! Anything but that!”.

They carried me to the bed in a room where almost 20 guys with mental problems stayed. They put me in bed and tied my hands while the person next to my bed, an old man, told me that if I was gonna do something while he slept, he was going to kill me. Talk about a nice greeting. They came to me and injected in my leg a substance that calmed me, and then they untied me. I spent 2 days behind closed doors, and then I moved with my mom to Reserve 1. My mom and I have a special connection, so when I fell, she also did. And without knowing, my grandparents, whom I still have from my mother’s side, suffered as well.

My mother stayed with me for 3 weeks in the hospital. I know that maybe she could have made better decisions, and because of some mistakes, this affected me also. At some points in my life, I would be angry with her because of some things, but this is because I did not truly understand. Even to this day, she still tries her best to make me live a healthier life and take care of myself, just like any mother should do. I have no shade of doubt she loves me and always did her best for me, whatever it may be. She did her best given the circumstances, and if I say so about it, then it’s like me and period. She made me have respect for any woman that I have met or will meet in my life, and made me want to protect them. I could have made some better decisions, also, and I did not do that. In the end, it had to be this way.

I followed a very hard treatment, the pills were strong, and I had a lot of side effects from it. I was constantly high for almost 3 weeks, just like a zombie, and after that, also. My stepfather always brought me packages, and other family friends came to visit me and my mother. There, I also met someone who helped me, a woman who is very smart and kind. She looked after me and my treatment, and to this present day, I do therapy with her. She allowed me to leave the hospital after 21 days, but at the start, she wanted me to stay 44 days, the maximum allowed. I went to her multiple times each week to tell her I felt good and that I wanted to leave because I hated that place. I got out soon only because I promised to take my treatment, which I do even in the present moment. The treatment only had to last for 3 years. But after I left the hospital, or when I was in it, something happened and I had amnesia. I don’t know if it was because of the treatment or the shock. I had forgotten what I did during the psychosis, I had forgotten information from all the general culture I had before, I had forgotten myself, and I did not know what I was. I did not know what happened, I did not know if I was still insane, if I had regained control, or if anything of this was real anymore.

Following the amnesia, I felt confused, and I had a personality crisis and an existential crisis. This triggered a depression again because I did not know how I should be or how I was in the past. At first, I was afraid to talk anymore because if I said something wrong, I believed I would be sent to the hospital again. The side effects of the treatment triggered panic attacks inside me, and I would wake from sleep, jumping from bed, hyperventilating. And this was just one side effect. Now I take less treatment, just an antidepressant pill, an antipsychotic pill, and a mood stabilizer. But I’ve been taking them from 2019 until now, because I never recovered completely, and my emotions would backfire at me. The things I had never forgotten were the cases and weird experiences with pictures I had exposed.

From 2019 and the beginning of 2021, I fought to recover my memories, reading messages, and asking friends and family what I did and said or how I was as a person. It did not end well at first because I had recovered those parts, and I felt ashamed of myself. And because of that shame, I went into a deep silence until the beginning of 2021. If things were not interesting until now, this is when the fun begins.

The Two Energies – Our Soul and Universe

From 2019 until 2021, I analyzed in my head all the events I thought were only dreams and hallucinations. On 03.03.2021, at around 3 PM in the evening at my parents’ home, an idea struck my head. The moment it came to me, I felt excruciating pain inside my head as I grabbed it with both hands, trying to make it stop. If you did not guess from the title or the experiences presented, I believe we may be talking about something found in the foundation of our universe itself. Two types of energy that I call “Black Light” and “White Light”. When I tell this, don’t go yet to the idea that I am still insane, make me a favour and listen. They are exactly as the name sounds. They are two forms of energy that I think might be different from one another, yet one thing they have in common is that they might have what can be called intelligence, and also, they may prove to have a conscience and maybe even a purpose.

If you still think I might be crazy, had a hallucination or a dream, have no worries, I did think this for many years, and somewhere deep inside I might have a shade of doubt in myself also, but… let’s do a very quick recap with essential points:

• black silhouette appearing as I was a child in a strange, dream-like experience (checked)
• black silhouette appearing to me in an unknown state, moving and acting on its own while having a dephased movement. It might have been a death-like state, but the only thing is that I retained in my memory all these events, so I can still say that my brain was functioning at that moment (this, or memory, might not be strictly related to the brain. Hard to imagine. (checked)
• strange electrical surges through my body starting from the fingertips of my feet (not from my head or brain), which left me paralyzed at that moment, and after that moment, for a short time, I did see strange transparent-like figures. (checked)
• a voice coming in the left ear with a very small breeze-like electrical surge in a warm woman’s tone telling me in my own native language to go to sleep, the shadow of an object changing the angle and transparent shape moving in the environment of my home after. (checked)
• signs of a black energy-like effect on my upper field of view in both of my eyes that happened 3 times, and at that moment, I would feel paralyzed, lose control, and roll my eyes over. (checked)
• only one sign of a white energy-like effect and a half-spherical shape in the down corner of my right eye, remaining there without disrupting my state. (checked)
• It is safe to say I did not see a white human silhouette, but it might exist. (checked)
• Was I an idiot for not speaking about this thing earlier? (Definitely)

All these events led me to believe that we might have two types of energy, Black Light and White Light, that span the whole universe and exist divided and as a whole, being connected, or in separate forms. I might say that they are primordial, having existed from the beginning of everything. But now an interesting question comes. If these energies exist, they have a mind, a will, and a purpose. Who created them, you may ask.

Well, this is the funny part. Now we can talk about what can be called “divinity”. You see, these energies, if they exist, did not come out of nothingness; they had a source, something that made them come into existence. Now, if I were just to imagine, let’s say use a bit of deduction myself based on my personal experiences, all I could come up with is that we call “Divinity” created these two types of energy. I may not see this divinity in any form or shape. I would see it as a source, and if I were to childishly put even a color representation of that source, it would be grey. I don’t know what properties these two types of energy might have or if they could even merge and create a “grey light”. Yes, it is a description you might find funny due to a lack of evidence, but because I had these experiences, when I say this, I’m only trying to view it as logically as I can with a bit of imagination. And to make it clear, I’m not gonna view any religion as being wrong or right because I’m not in a position to do that.

The second event, when I started to see black and white, I believe it might be as close to death as it can get due to the fact that it has a logic for me. Let’s add some bullet points for this one:

• loss of emotions and becoming sentient.
• We won’t be able to breathe anymore, as we won’t need it.
• loss of senses except for sight, but with no colors.
• no more sense of time (still uncertain).
• The fact that even energy might bend to the rules of gravity, as if it had a mass.
• At this moment, it is hard for me to comprehend how energy can develop facial features or even have what you can call “clothes” on them from the moment the person was alive. I have not witnessed or experienced this thing yet. I don’t know if I should discard it, but it would be more logical for me to think that we will look at that silhouette without any features.

It may be safe to say that the barrier between what is good and what is evil will cease to exist. This is because of the lack of emotion and maybe the purpose that is served. Gender might not matter anymore because we would all have that same form, whether it is black or white.

With these aspects being told, a short depiction of how death might be can easily come, such as waking up in the same place and seeing yourself as black or white. You may ask now, so we stay here on this planet? Well…not quite sure. It’s funny to think that we would have an overpopulation of entities on Earth. The plane of reality shifted in one way, and in another way not, as you might still be connected or between two realms. If there are any realms specific to these two energies, I have no idea. I did take into consideration this thing also, and it might be so, as for certain we do not remain here. One important rule of this realm would be that it is not made only for humans, but for all living creatures from the planet, or the universe, even. To be honest, as I know less math and physics than an unborn being, I don’t even have the formula to demonstrate this. So, how can I gain trust from you if all I have is a story and some images?

Well, this is exactly what I need help with, and I am willing to go public for this and try and seek it. I need to find out how I can enter that state again and do it from this side, this time on my own will. Why do I believe I could do this? Pretty easy. I did it once, and I can do it the second time again. But I have no idea how to do it. To be honest, I don’t know anybody who has had this experience, and for certain, I don’t know if it is a form of meditation that may help me or science and technology. What I can say is that we are close to something that is cooler than even aliens. Let me tell you some stages of this experiment. If I had a chance at this and found a way:

• If I could enter that state and see black and white again, that would be awesome.
• If I could see black and white and any form or shape ( and you will see why I am saying this) of this black and white energy, then it would mean maybe I am not that insane.
• If I do see it and I can make contact with it, return with something, anything, any information, well, it’s safe to say I would go insane again. (Haha, joking no.)

What we are talking about here is infinite untapped potential and information from which everyone may benefit, as what you can call “enlightenment” can come from them. This is because if what I have seen is real, then it means it is eternal. If it is connected to these primordial types of energy, then it has also access to any unknown and known information that humanity may benefit from.

So why did I say to see any shape or form? Well, I did say it is more awesome than aliens. And this with a reason. We are talking about death, right, which, from what we know, affects most of the living things on Earth at some moment, through a cataclysm or any related destructive event. And not only that, it affects anything in the universe also, as we know it has a beginning, so it might also have an end. So I did ask myself for a long time why I see only a human form…well, for this thing, I have no idea either, or I might have. Energy from what I can make the most of it does not have a shape or form as it can be under any form it may want, so why did it have a human form? There might be two possible reasons for this:

• We either retain our human form for some reason, as the black silhouette did not change shape or form at any moment.
• We choose to keep it and show ourselves under it. It would be really cool if, in that state, I could see a different form than humans, as that would prove maybe alien life and the fact that death is a universal rule with these two types of energy almost at the center of it, next to divinity.

So what is the purpose of it? Well, I don’t know for sure if this energy is within and a direct part of us, giving the form that I saw, and the fact that we may wake up after death as either black or white. I did say before that the barrier between good and evil may not exist anymore, so neither type is good nor bad. We are still thinking that “black” may be a source of evil, given all the representation that humanity gives, but I have a feeling we are missing something here. If in my current conscious state I would see a black silhouette climbing my stairs and staying in front of me, I would be very honest if I told you I would faint in the next seconds, but in that state I felt no emotions, so there was no fear of it.

Tag, You’re It

Okay, so we have a bit more to read as I might have one more thing to share with you before my final experience and my own disclaimer comes, which might be an interesting read also. What did I do from 2019 until now, and why did I wait so long for this? Well, to be honest with you, it was pretty hard to keep it. And I did not. I tried to reach out in private to important people and try to tell them.

I wrote and sent my idea to multiple presidents and scientists from around the world. I even went to send messages to the president of my own country in my native language. Still disrespectful a bit for me to do this but a fool is a fool, and I am one.
The same message was sent to the presidents, including Mr. Joe Biden, Emmanuel Macron, Angela Merkel, the Royal Family of England, and others.
Other messages were also sent before and after the beginning of the war in Ukraine.
Especially to Mr.Vladimir Putin and Mr. Volodymyr Zelenskyy.

The reason is simple: if what I have seen is real, then we share the same fate, and I wanted to transform this into unity. In my own conception, barriers like languages, ethnicity, gender, and so on are nothing in the face of an open mind. While we have our heritage that makes us proud and the fight our ancestors put in for us and our future, history is just the past. I consider, personally, without meaning to insult anyone, that patriotism is an illusion and we are subject to unprepared leaders who guide us wrong. Everything for resources, pieces of this planet, and ideologies. Our leaders should fight for the whole world, not just for a country.

I tried to contact other personalities, including Mr. Elon Musk, Mr. Jeff Bezos, Mrs. Melinda Gates, Mr. Bill Gates, and others.
I did it spanning April 2021. After the conflict started between Russia and Ukraine, I tried one more time to message the presidents with no result. I honestly believed 99.9% it would not work as they would not randomly read what a random crazy man would have to say, and by a miracle be contacted. I had to try, as keeping this private would have been easier for my own self. Yet it is the right of everyone to know, and it took all this time to gain the courage for this. I can tell you for sure, I am not interested or involved in politics. Indeed, I did seek out people who have resources, but as a method for outreach and finding solutions for this problem. All I want is to enter somehow in the same state and see those things again, so I might be quite desperate for any help on this.

But would it have any effect even if they did read it? I’m only putting a bit of hope in this, as it might be certain that most people will only scratch their heads and move on, doing nothing that makes a big change in the long run. But I presumed that the people I tried to reach out to were smart and understood a bit, and maybe I am right. Now I guess this includes you also, if you read this and want to be included. I made one last move, going public and exposing what was important.

A Meaning to an End

In the year 2022, I felt a balance within me. It brought me only good things. Because of the death of my grandfather at the beginning of the last year of college, I did a poor job and did finish, but it took me 5 years to take my final exam and diploma because the problems made me lose my focus. I had a job with 1 year of experience. I moved alone, and 2022 was mostly a good year for me, with a lot of things to learn and happy moments to share.

But in 2023, in the first week of January, I started, after a long time, to have a dream again that I would remember. Even if I am still under treatment. In that dream, I was crying a lot, and I could feel deep sadness and pain. I was talking about the fact that I moved alone, and I left my black bird at my parents’ home. At the end of the dream, I did see a glimpse of that black bird that I had; it was a black raven sitting on my left hand, looking at me. Then the dream ended, and I woke up with a bad feeling.

After this, on 13th January 2023, I had to put one of my best friends to sleep, after not finding any other solution, and we had to not make or let him suffer. The decision took me by surprise. This story is a tribute to him and to the people I lost. He was a good and smart boy, but he only listened to me when I was angry with him because he was ignoring me. When I love someone is hard for me to impose myself in front of him, and he knew that. I did have a hard time trying to control him because he was big and strong. But I did not want him to change with anything because it gave him a personality and made me respect him more. We would have our own tradition, each time it would snow outside, we would wrestle freely. The first day after his passing, while I was trying to sleep after this event, I had a last dream with him, and we were again outside in the snow, he was happy and jumping on me. I woke up in a panic attack, hyperventilating. I took it as his final goodbye for the moment. I welcomed it, and at the same time cursed it, as I wish this moment would never come. I only understood the true meaning of our tradition after this dream, and it hurt a lot. I told him many times over the years, and at that moment for the last time, that I hope when it is my turn, I will see him again and he will guide me.

I did a reassessment of the situation as I would do every time I lose someone dear to me. I decided I would do this at some point, and I put myself a deadline – that after my 30th birthday, I would try something and tell my theory, finding ways to prove it. It is easy to say that I have decided to do it sooner, as past experiences pushed me. It was the last drop in a big bucket, and whatever happens, I must break this chain.

After I entered the hospital until the present moment, there is one more experience that happened, but I’ll leave it until the end. I was left with a burning wish to enter that state again, this time prepared, as in that moment when it happened, I was unprepared for this, and I don’t think there would have been something to prepare me. On a funny note, I think I would have more chances of winning the lottery than expected at that moment for these experiences to unravel in this way. You might easily add this into the pseudoscience category for now until I find a way to prove it, which I have not at the moment. You might say it is all in my head, given the fact that after I entered the hospital, nothing happened anymore, at least not something I could observe. If this were right, then I cannot find anything to beat this argument with, only with the fact that I just feel this was not in my head. I wanted to observe nothing anymore, as I would fear for my sanity. When I was a kid, after my father’s passing, I always questioned myself about where he went and why I couldn’t see him, what happened to him. Now, after having these experiences, I can’t help but wonder, will we also see the ones we lost and remain in our hearts and minds after this ends? Will they guide us? Will bloodline even matter? Do we manage to keep our bonds after this “short time” spent here?

This life may be just a flickering moment compared to what will await us. I would wish to find out and tell you, but until then, believe what will suit you best.

Let’s say, for a moment, that what I speak of is true, and it is just like this. After the end of it, when we will maybe look back at how we lived and what we have done, do you want to remember yourself as someone who did nothing good with their life and did not fight for a better future to leave their mark on the world? Don’t think of something big, just think of small and kind actions, for example, feeding a stray animal or helping someone who is old and can’t carry their groceries. You might never know how something very small can change the whole course of destiny for someone, and when the time comes, maybe they will thank you and remember you. You don’t need to be written in a history book, for it is not important that other people see how good you are, but for yourself and for what will await us at the end of this small journey. Consider it as food for what might be your soul, consider you are never alone, and that everything you do is taken into account at the highest level, where it matters most. You do good only to expect in return that the “universe” will do this for you tenfold? I don’t think it works this way. You think that if someone is rich by causing harm and they continue to do it even after they have it all, if they will donate all the money when they die or leave it for the family, thinking they have made something honorable, will it count?

Nobody can cheat and be smarter than something that is above our level, and yes, I consider these energies to be more evolved than anything this universe has. I hope all the personalities from the world will think about how much they could have changed the world while they lived, in a more positive way, by being truly good, not trying to cheat God. You can still bring something good that will help people and have a good life for yourself. Money is important in our life and reality because we made it this way; it is the prime tool for our survival, and I won’t judge anybody for wanting to have it and live a better life. But if you make them from the suffering and weakness of others under the phrase “it’s just marketing,” for example, well…I think you might want to change your perspective a bit because, in the end, you will have problems trying to lie to yourself about this. If I could find a solution to remove money from the world and let everybody be free, I would do it.

Remember that the top of the pyramid is a lonely place, it is pointy also, and it might hurt you if you sit on it and also get some sunburn. Remember that everything will fade in time as life will go on, and there will be one single thing left for you to have in the end: a glimpse of light within you that will guide you; you must take care of it.

I know that life may not be so good for you, and maybe you had nothing, you suffered, and you got abandoned or disappointed at some point by someone that you cared for. Do you think this is a good reason to change and to treat others badly because of this? Look at me, the events in my life brought me to insanity, and I still did not harm anyone or change with anything, even if I took some strong hits. I did not falter, and I kept my chin high and continued to walk on my hands even if both my legs were broken. And if both my hands were broken also, I would still crawl, but I will never give up on what I stand for, and I will stop only when I want to, maybe just to catch my breath a bit.

Nothing should ever make you change and become something you will regret in this life and beyond at some point. All the negativity you went through should be nothing more than just a stone that was thrown in your path, but you climbed it and reached the top, even if it hurt. You climbed it and you now see a more beautiful horizon. You climbed it…and now it is time to give a helping hand to the ones who can’t but want to see with you the same horizon. To be next to you. And if someone betrays you and throws you off the stone and from your view, just so they can be alone and have everything for themselves, guess what will happen? That person will stumble in the end, fall alone, and hit the ground harder, while you will climb up again and reach even higher because you have more experience now. It is your rightful place, and nobody will take it from you.

I will tell you from the start that you are strong. You have stood in the face of adversity until now. At one point in your life, sooner or later, when the time comes, you will stand in the face of death itself. Be as imposing as a mountain that will never crumble. No matter how much rain and how many landslides you will face. Fight for the last flicker of light within your eyes. Just like a true warrior would do. Take off your helm, throw your shield away, thrust your sword into the ground, and open your arms, defiant, to meet the inevitable with a grin. I wish for you that you will stand your ground, and if you set a foot backward, it will be only to charge forward. Given the strange nonsense you just witnessed here by reading, you should understand by now that there will never be an end to you. Even if you want to give up, I’m sure that you will understand why everything unfolded for you this way in the end. I’m sure you will find your peace, and if you are still in the darkness, I wish to pull you from it with all the strength I can find within these words. It is the same darkness where I was for a time walking blindly without light and guidance. The same darkness that drove me to madness. But I had to be put through it in order to see more clearly, and this worked for me because I remained myself. I invite you now to walk in the light with me, even if it is black or white, at least it will not be darkness and nothingness, it will still be light and maybe hope. I won’t lie to you, it might be scary, and it might not feel very good, but have faith and trust me: just close your eyes, breathe, and be free.

The Final Experience: Don’t Blink

As I told you in my article until now, nothing much has happened since 2019 when I went to the hospital and started taking the pills daily. The treatment changed, but always for the better. I worked for almost 5 years at the same job. I worked hard trying to prove that I can do it even if I have these issues on my back. It was a big plus for me, and I sacrificed a lot working from morning till night. Because of company restructuring and leadership changes, I became jobless, and I work as a freelancer now. Seems like all efforts for me prove to be in vain if you think about it. But I won’t give up.

I did not forget my experiences, but I always fluctuate between an undiscovered reality and hallucinations. I will publish a fictional book about this, which is just a prototype at the moment. In that book, I want to put my idea about what I have witnessed and the mentality behind it. To create that reality that I believe these two types of light can be found. I do this just by empathizing with what I have seen. I know it sounds hard, but I am good at it. I started doing sports again, and life was pretty normal. I did not have the so-called visions or hallucinations anymore. This only lasted until March-April 2024, I always forget the day or maybe even the hour because I don’t see it as a causality. I think that what I am about to tell you happened by the end of March and the start of April 2024, somewhere at 11 in the morning.

I was working just like on any other day, remote at my home, with my left hand on the keyboard and my right hand on the mouse. I was pretty focused on what I was doing, and as a reminder, from 2019 to the present moment, I took my treatment daily each morning and night. As I was looking at the computer screen, it took me some moments to observe something again in the corner of my right eye, down. It was the same spherical white light that I had seen before going to the hospital in 2019, in the chapter that I wrote above, “There is Light in Your Eyes”. I was only looking at it, this time intentionally blinking to see if it would go away, and trying to be as rational as I could. After a few moments, while looking in the right corner of my right eye, down, where the white light was present, I felt a touch on my hand while holding the mouse. It was right between the thumb finger and index finger. I left the keyboard and mouse and turned the chair in the living room to see the environment. I shouted at that moment, “You can touch me how much you want”. I did it friendly, maybe too friendly, I hope it did not sound kinky. The white light from the right eye in my right corner vanished, and I got up from the chair. I was looking at one point with my eyes exactly towards the kitchen. You can see the kitchen in the first picture, where I reproduced my childhood dream from the first experience, “The Meeting Between Realities”. While looking towards it, at that moment I blinked 2 times out of reflex. The duration between these two blinkings was very short, I would say that maybe even less than a second or so. Between the first and the second blinking, I saw again a black human silhouette in the kitchen, like before in past experiences. By the time I blinked a second time, there was no more of that silhouette, and I went to the kitchen and just said “Hello?”.

I kept this a secret, as I wanted to observe if something else would happen, but it did not. I told my close ones in October 2024 the details about it, and I am giving this update to you. It always ends in the same manner, where “friends” tell me I am insane, and others try to find a so-called rational argument, without thinking that it may be possible to be just something they are not used to, another part of reality and rationality that is unknown to them. Nobody can beat experience or something you see with your eyes. Even with treatment, even with a span of 5-6 years, I still see this. For the moment, whenever I see the white light then the black light appears and opposite. This may prove to be a causality. I am not scared of them in any possible way, but it is still hard to distinguish if this is real or just a hallucination. This may be because other people to whom I explain my experiences instill in me doubt. Even if I supported my story and my idea with everything I had until now, I still have a shade of doubt. Maybe because it seems impossible that I might be right. Even so, I will still not give up no matter what.

Disclaimer – The Final Words of a Madman

Now, for my type of disclaimer:

Before I say anything else, I advise anyone not to do crazy things and expose themselves to any risk by trying to use dangerous and life-risking methods to obtain information for this. I suppose this should be my job as I already had my share of experiences before and entered that state, without my own will. I repeat, if I did this one time, then with help from this side, I might do it again a second time. Even if it might come with a risk. You must clearly understand why I want to do it. I will never promote death for anyone or the ending of something sacred, which is life. I don’t want to be turned back from this. I’ve had enough time all these years to reflect on it. Do you think I did not try to live life to the fullest? Trying to forget about anything, even if amnesia does not have a permanent effect? Before I can live to the fullest, I must find out what this is about. I’m just losing time and my vitality, as I might not be able to do this later. Respect this and wish me luck if there is no help. If I find a way to do it, I will share with the world just like I did this time.

I do wish to own this content and have a copyright on it if it will be okay, because…well…it’s my life. I choose not to reveal myself, not out of cowardice. My initial plan was to go full head-on with my identity, but just for the sake of the people that were in my life, even if they had a bad or good influence, I would remain a bit hidden. Maybe in time, after testing the water, I might return to my initial plan.

There are other stories to tell, also, but they were not relevant, and I do wish to protect everyone who has been in my life or is in my life. I gave minimal or no details about it, as it might affect them. But there are some exceptions indeed. And yes, this goes even for the persons that did harm me, as the past is past, and what has been done cannot be changed. This can be called justice for me, but it won’t go further than this if I don’t seek it myself. I discard any information about my intimate life that might come about me if I do not say it in my own words. If you want to find out more about me, it will be when the time is right. No names have been given except for the persons who are already in the public eye, and I apologize as I did not want to mean any disrespect in any form. I was just an enthusiastic idiot who did not want to lose the momentum of courage. The names of brands are used as a means of expression and citation and with no profit to gain from.

The details given here are 100% real, they happened, and are being told in my own words that I did write without using any AI-generated content. I did not even want to set up a donation page or monetize in any way because, for now, I need everyone to learn about this and take it into account. You might call me mad or be toxic, but I think I might be already immune to it, so we can both joke about me.

But maybe…I will haunt you a bit…nah, just joking. Know that if you respect me, I will respect you; it’s just that easy. And I don’t mean to hurt you in any way. I did not mean to insult anyone or the beliefs of others because even if I don’t know what to believe from so many choices, I respect any religion and the people who believe in it. As you can see, it is a lot of respect that I am doing here lol. Hope you will respect that. (sorry)
I did not write about the harmful experiences in my life because I want mercy or pity from anyone; I did this for authenticity and credibility, and so you can see how my past shaped me and brought me to this moment.

Know that if you find ways to contact me, I will answer, and I will be friendly and open with you. I still need to work and take care of my life a bit, but I won’t have issues answering as long as you are not disrespectful. After all this reading, I know you will have more questions, but I plan to answer them all in my own way through the book I want to publish. I will still be thankful for reaching out, no matter what, anyway. What I can say is that I am not a saint myself, and I did some stupid things, mostly harming my health, and this was because I wanted to ease the pain. If I did harm someone in any form, it was unintentional, and I apologize here. If I did it, it was because I was naive and stupid, or maybe because I could not control myself and think logically very well. Maybe I was just immature in the end. It is a hard thing to try and bypass a reaction and control your emotions, both good and bad. It may take a bit for some, and for others, it takes longer. Some may never do it in the end. This is the true fight that I did not win completely. To be conscious, to control both the good and the bad inside you. Both of them can become toxic if you use them excessively, and both of them can make you lose control.

As you might guess, life kinda sounds boring if you take it this way, right? To always be in control. For me to be happy in life and live it truly does not mean to smile all the time, it means to find acceptance and be ready to let go of everything I carry on my shoulders from my past. To start something new. If you are true to yourself, you will know when you did something wrong, even if you have an excuse for it or did it intentionally. You can only hide from yourself and others, but not from who is truly keeping an eye on you.

I still don’t know exactly what the term “dephased” really means, as I did see in the movement of the black silhouette. At first, I created confusion with “diphased” as I was unsure. I started to read, took some brain damage, and was left with a vague concept of what it might represent. Yet, I choose to go with “dephased” as it means the electrical current has a phase and a deviation and not two phases, as someone explained to me in a simplified manner. The same goes for the lens flare effect; I did not know what I saw all these years until nearly the final moments before going public. I don’t want to sound so dramatic, I do want to underline the fact that I am still positive and easygoing. I don’t care so much about the bad experiences from the past, even if they did shape me. To be honest, I am just fed up with drama, and I want to enjoy life a little bit more. Sometimes, however, even if you might want to hide the drama, you can’t do it fully, and the only way to do it here would have been to not say it at all.

Don’t get false impressions about me, I don’t want to rule de world. I don’t believe I might be cursed. If you think someone might control something that is above our level and direct it towards me…well, I’m sure it won’t really work very well even if you “sell your soul”. I am neither the reincarnation of good, bad, or divine, nope. The only bad thing is that I may be an idiot, but the good part is that I am not a dangerous one, and the only divine thing about me is my belly, which I got from taking a break from sports. Neither a psychopath nor a sociopath. Nope, sir. And I am neither perfect. I don’t want to form a conspiracy theory or scare you with something. Just saying this to make it clear, not that you might believe it, but there are people who might get the wrong idea. I have learned that if you want to see in someone either good or bad, even if it does not exist, you will create it with your mind eventually to fuel your beliefs.

I do believe in what I saw. To be honest, I did not believe at first, even when I did see it, and things took a turn for the worse. I am just someone who thinks it found a piece of the puzzle, and I want to put it together with the others, as everybody can or might do. What this puzzle is about, well, I want to find out also, or maybe I did it and I just don’t know it. Whether you care or not about what you read here, I don’t mind either way. There can be an excuse for everyone, and that is the fact that because we did not know until now what this is about, our misdoings should not put us under pressure. We should start again and take this into consideration.

I don’t know if you can find an excuse for everything that was done, and I don’t know if it’s gonna work, but I believe something bad from it won’t happen if you try to correct some mistakes. You should do it with an open heart, not with fear of God. What is important and you must remember after all this inspirational blabbering I give to you is that you should never let anyone talk in your name, with your experiences, and let them think they know how you felt. All the pain or all the happiness, all the emotions you felt, are yours and only yours. We are the same coin, but we have different sides. Remember that we feel differently, and even if another person passed through the same obstacles as you and felt nothing, it does not mean you should do it also. All these negative or positive emotions that you feel are the ones that teach you, that make you wiser, that help you feel alive. Always play with them, fight with them, control them when it’s necessary, but keep them close and never let go of them. They are part of your legacy.

You may ask – what do you wish to obtain from it, Mr. B?
I can tell you that if this story could somehow change a vision, change a perspective. If it could change the hearts of some people, bring closure, maybe even end a conflict, and form bonds, I would find it more honorable. In the end, if I discover something with the help of someone without that person exposing himself to any risk except me, then it won’t be only my effort. I wish to obtain information that might be precious and prove this. You can call me antisocial, but you can at least just agree with me, I’m a bit reserved, at least right?

I consider the fact that the “universe” might have talked with me in all the languages it could, and because I am how I am, I never listen, see, or take it into consideration. I guess it just lost its patience with me. As for my life, I just stood in the back, watching others and thinking about why I can’t and they can. Why can’t I be good at anything? Why don’t I have a talent? Why did this happen to me? But because I now have this dream, what I can call a purpose, finally after being adrift for such a long time, I believe it will help humanity somehow; I just feel it.

I would do whatever I can to see it done without meaning to harm anyone (again, saying this, but I promise it is the last time). To find support, I need to fight my shyness and introverted personality, and for this, I cannot hold all this within me, yet I need to take it easy, as I might fall along the way. Whenever I would climb a stone and see a more beautiful horizon, I would help and pull everyone I could with me. There were rare occasions when someone would throw me off. Most of the time, I slipped or stumbled and fell alone because I was clumsy, even if the ones with me tried to pull me and stop me. They remained there waiting for me to reach them again, as I did not want to be helped.

Unfortunately, I might be better at writing in expressing myself than at speaking, as I am less nervous. I struggle with speaking in public. But even by hand, I write very badly, I never developed skills in this, like in many things, even if I tried. This is because, since I was a kid because of the experiences in my hands are shaking. So is good to have a keyboard. I am not a master at grammar either, but this is because I’m mostly nervous about it. You may say that if I did pass through all of this, then public speaking would be child’s play, but I don’t feel it that way, even if you are right, because of the responsibility it carries.

Do you know when the cat from Alice in Wonderland told her, “We are all mad here”? Well, maybe we are not really that mad, but indeed we may have a narrow vision. If you do not open your mind and think outside the boundaries you limit yourself with, you will live all your life as a bird in a cage. Don’t do this to yourself; you deserve freedom. And I want to bring this freedom to you. Take into consideration the fact that I am just a human and I have had my share of experiences. Just like any ordinary guy, I eat, sleep, and work. I neither want to be the “hero” alone in this. At the end of the day, you and I are both humans, and we do what we must do to survive and make a better life for our loved ones. But this is what limits us. You might only care about yourself, but I wish you would see the bigger picture, and that if there is good for the whole, there will be good for you also.

This may be ideal, but the reality may prove to be different. Maybe there will never be a perfect society or utopia, and the reason is simple. Remember the color grey. Maybe in the end, we must not strive for perfection but for balance. But this balance does not mean doing bad things just for the sake of it and being toxic. The balance is controlling yourself and these emotions, these urges, and not being blinded by either good or bad. This is a fight that, if you win and become conscious of it, you will be free. Rewinding your actions in your mind and seeking how to improve in a healthier way, questioning yourself, and never giving up trying, will bring you to change, and with it, you will find peace also.

You know already the saying that “if we don’t learn from history, it will repeat” and also that “insanity is doing the same thing again expecting different results”. Keeping this for myself and within me, all these years, only brought the same result. The only thing that brought a positive result that I did not want to change was being within myself a good person, and I did not want any bad experience to change that. Maybe we should all make it different and think as a whole, just once, and see what it brings.

After reading all this way, you tell me what is this – a blessing, a curse, or madness? I believe it is yet to be seen. Maybe the future actions and decisions will shape its final form, in the end. With that being said:

Welcome to my insanity.

Welcome to our reality.

Stay safe and good.

-Mr. B.